Archive for 2021

No Won­der He Shrank

Arnold Schwarzeneg­ger, on work­ing out: It is as sat­is­fy­ing to me as cum­ming is. You know — as hav­ing sex with a woman and cum­ming. So can you be­lieve how much I am in heav­en? I am, like, get­ting the feel­ing of cum­ming in the gym, I’m get­ting the feel­ing of cum­ming at home, I’m get­ting the feel­ing of cum­ming back­stage when I pump up. When I pose out in front of five thou­sand peo­ple, I get the same feel­ing, so I am cum­ming day and night.


Mmm, Spec­u­la Get Me So Hot, Ba­by

George W. Bush: Too many good docs are get­ting out of the busi­ness. Too many OB-GY­Ns aren’t able to prac­tice their love with women all across this coun­try.


Over­heard by: Ewwww

How Touch­ing

Jes­si­ca Simp­son: My fa­ther was a min­is­ter, so grow­ing up we’d go on a mis­sion­ary trip every sum­mer. The first time I went to that or­phan­age I was 16. I re­mem­ber hold­ing this ba­by who was found in a dump­ster. I want­ed to adopt him right then and there. I was like, ‘Dad, can I have him for my birth­day, please?!’

Over­heard by: rrrrrruf­fles

Just Ra­men and Cristal from Here on Out

Ted Turn­er: I’m down to a lit­tle more than a bil­lion. You can get by on that if you re­al­ly econ­o­mize and don’t buy a lot of planes and yachts and stuff.