Patti LaBelle, to Jennifer Hudson: I didn’t know you were this nice. I thought you were a bitch.


Starstruck dude: You’re Jon Lovitz!
Jon Lovitz: Jealous?

–Greenwich Village

Mark Wahlberg: When my daughter is 10 and 11, and especially in the teenage years, I want to be there with a gun. It’s not mess-around time.


Quentin Tarantino: I’ve always had a thought maybe that I might have been Shakespeare in another life. I don’t really believe that 100%, and I don’t really care about Shakespeare, I’ve never been into Shakespeare, but then people are constantly bringing up all of these qualities in my work that mirror Shakespearean tragedies and moments and themes.


Female audience member: Mr. Colbert, have you been fucking Matt Damon?
Stephen Colbert: Why? Did his dick taste like me?

–Studio, The Colbert Report

Overheard by: Cynthia

Cameron Diaz: I’ve been noticing gravity since I was very young.

Drew Barrymore: I wish I was an octopus so I could hug ten people at a time!


Overheard by: You mean a squid?

Dan Quayle: It isn’t pollution that is hurting the environment, it’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

Pamela Anderson: I want an explosive love affair again.


Interviewer: Why did you choose to star in the soft porn cult classic Caligula, in which you danced in a cone bra?
Helen Mirren: It was an irresistible mix of art and genitals.